For the Night is Dark and Full of Terrors

So....last night I had one of my episodes. For those that don't know, I was violently raped at knifepoint almost 20 years ago. While my flashbacks have become much less frequent over the intervening 20 years, they do still happen. I usually sink into the event and let it take me over. I do all the melancholy things that one would think one would do during that time. Get drunk, play sad or angry music, wail and bemoan my fate, rail at the nearest available male presence. (Monty is very lucky he was 200 miles away last night!) One of the things that I do is watch The Crow. That movie came out shortly after my attack, and quite literally saved my life. It gave me an outlet to pour all my rage and terror and pain into. It still helps sometimes. However, not last night.

I started down that path last night. I plugged in The Crow, started on my third beer and started plunging into the depths once again. But then, something happened. I did a little Google research. I found out that while he had been out on parole, he was now back in prison for parole violation. I got pissed off. Why in the hell was I letting this useless crapsack scumbag asshole do this to me again?? I refused to allow him that power again! I turned off The Crow, plugged in something a bit more Current Leah friendly (Boondock Saints and The Walking Dead, for those curious.), and did some writing. Oh, I still got drunk, and I don't really remember all that I wrote, but from what I've scanned of it, I wrote almost 4,000 words of a totally, awesomely strong character that completely owns her entire situation and refuses to let anyone or anything get in her way!

It was still an incredibly rough night, and I'm feeling the after effects of it now, but it was so much better than any of the other nights that this has happened! I ended up enjoying the feeling of power and ownership that I found. And the character? She was violently raped at knifepoint twenty years ago, except she nearly died because he slashed her throat near to the bone. She has a long scar running along the left side of her neck because of it, a physical reminder of the event. Now, she's trying to survive the zombie apocalypse, and while she's having a rough time of it, and she sometimes has her night terrors and cries in the dark when no one else is around, she's pretty much completely owning her situation and refusing to be beaten down. I am actually being rather cruel to her, and I've got some very nasty stuff in store for her, including very nearly killing her in a horrifically violent way. But she's looking at me and saying, "Fuck you! Throw it at me bitch! I will own this fucking joint and anyone or anything that comes against me!" and I love her so very dearly for it.

That folks, is how you survive something like this. Take that assbutt! (Thank you Supernatural for that wonderful epithet!)